


maybe i'm not that guy

by panlesters



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: High School AU, Non-Binary Jehan, Other, a nice bit of self discovery, no one in this fic is cis, non-binary combeferre - Freeform, what time is it? self projection on to fictional characters time babey!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27963968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: For someone whose friendship group is almost exclusively genderqueer, Ferre’s almost surprised at himself for never having questioned his gender identity. One by one, his friends have discovered that they’re not cis, and Ferre has been overwhelmingly proud and supportive of them at every hurdle. But his own relationship with gender is a can of worms he’s always managed to avoid opening.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	maybe i'm not that guy

**Author's Note:**

> soooo i guess i'm non binary! i discovered it fairly recently, and after spending a little time on non-binary tiktok, i realised how much combeferre really gives me the enby vibe. so here it is: combeferre discovering he's non binary just like i did. it was a little difficult trying to write this from the perspective of an amab person as an afab person, but hopefully i did it justice! enjoy!   
> (btw pls call me ollie, they/them pronouns please <3)

“So I was thinking,” Jehan says as they drop their books on the table opposite Combeferre and Courfeyrac.

“Dangerous,” Courf smirks. Jehan rolls their eyes.

“You know what has really solid non-binary energy? Moths.”

“Moths?” Ferre raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t you think?” Jehan says. “Fluffy, unconventionally cute, hated by wider society. You know, like rats.”

Ferre nods slowly.

“I think you spend too much time on Tiktok,” Enjolras says from beside him.

“You just don’t spend enough time on Tiktok,” Courf laughs.

“And I wear that like a badge of honour,” Enjolras says, deadpan. Ferre’s not really paying much attention any more, though.

For someone whose friendship group is almost exclusively genderqueer, Ferre’s almost surprised at himself for never having questioned his gender identity. One by one, his friends have discovered that they’re not cis, and Ferre has been overwhelmingly proud and supportive of them at every hurdle. But his own relationship with gender is a can of worms he’s always managed to avoid opening. He’s not sure if he’s scared of it. In fact, he’s almost certain that any attempt at self-discovery would lead to the conclusion that he’s cis. He can’t say that he’s ever felt inherently like a man, but then he supposes if he felt inherently like something else, he’d know. From talking to his friends, they’ve all had some kind of inkling from a young age that things weren’t quite right, that something was a bit askew, even before they really understood what it was. He’s never really felt anything like that. No dysphoria, no hatred for his name or pronouns, no reason to question his gender. But perhaps a bit of exploration wouldn’t hurt.

He doesn’t tell anyone. Which is stupid really, when most of his friends have been through this process. He should really talk to Enj about it, since they’re practically brothers at this point, but… he knows why he doesn’t want to. He’s barely don’t anything more than consider the likelihood of his being cis, and there’s no telling what conclusion he’ll come to in the end. He doesn’t want to tell his friends that he could be a… not-guy, just for them to get their hopes up that he’s just like them, and then to gave it turn out that he is cis after all, and let them all down.

Logically, he knows that’s complete bullshit. Jehan is always talking about the importance of exploration and gender expression, and just last week Enjolras wrote a piece for the GSA paper about the harmful nature of the “trans trender” myth for people who just want to experiment with their gender. They would be completely supportive no matter the outcome, he knows. He just can’t shake the thought of letting these people down. He’ll tell them when he’s more certain.

At the end of the day, Ferre makes some excuses and dives away from the group as quickly as he can. Instead of going home, he heads into town and to the nearest thrift store. He’s heard that this is the best place to start for gender non-conforming clothes, so he takes a deep breath and pushes open the door.

“Ferre, hey!”

He stops dead like a deer in the headlights when he sees Feuilly behind the counter. He’d been in their friendship group at school before sixth form began, when he left for an apprenticeship, volunteering here on the side. Ferre completely forgot about Feu’s shifts here, and nearly kicks himself. Instead, he takes a deep breath. He can be brave.

“Oh, hey,” he smiles sheepishly. He manages to make light conversation as he awkwardly shuffles towards the women’s section, browsing the skirts as casually as he can. He sees something long and pleated, and pulls it out. Finding boldness somewhere, he leans down and picks out a pair of heels to go with it. When he’s hit with an idea, he heads to the men’s section, finding some suspenders and a pink button-up shirt. He swallows thickly and turns around to face Feuilly.

“What’s this for?” he asks as he rings up the clothes.

“Oh, well, you know. It’s Ponine’s birthday soon, and-”

He looks up to see the sympathetic look in Feuilly’s eyes and drops the act.

“Promise you won’t say anything?” he asks quietly.

“Promise,” Feuilly smiles. “Am I allowed to ask questions?”

“I guess,” Ferre says.

“Are you questioning?”

“I…” he frowns. “I don’t know. Just, something Jehan said made me think about things for the first time. I thought I might as well have a play around.”

“No harm,” Feu agrees. He hands Ferre his bag and smiles. “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Ferre says with an anxious smile.

When he gets in, Ferre heads straight to his room and begins digging through his bag, He puts on the button up first. He’s never really been one for anything more serious than the situation needs, so buttoning a shirt all the way up is rare for him. But the first thing he notices is how he likes the way he looks with a fully buttoned collar. He wishes he’d bought a tie to go with it. He’s not sure what kind of energy he’d get from it, but somehow he thinks it wouldn’t be masculine.

Next, he pulls on the skirt. It’s weird to navigate, and at first feeling the fabric on his bare legs is strange. But he tucks in the button up and he likes the way it hugs his figure. After that comes the suspenders. He’s never seen anyone wear them with a skirt, but it was a look he thought he could pull off if he tried.

He didn’t expect them to add so much depth to his look, but it makes him look so distinctly _queer_ and he revels in it for a few minutes before pulling out the heels. He’s heard a few horror stories from Enjolras and Cosette about how painful they are to wear, but he just wants answers, and sometimes you have to suffer for that. After managing to fit them on his massive feet, he looks at himself in his full length mirror. He’s missing make-up, he realises. He thinks he might actually look good with some galaxy coloured eyeshadow and some winged eyeliner. He could ask Jehan to do it. Or Eponine. If he can ever pluck up the courage to tell anyone he’s doing this.

In an attempt to add some attitude, Ferre pulls his chair over from his desk and stands one leg on it in front of the mirror. The heel is framed as the skirt flows around his leg, and there’s something oddly satisfying about seeing something so feminine covering a leg he knows looks masculine. It’s like they cancel each other out. Like together they drown out any form of gender. And he likes it. He really, really likes it.

He doesn’t have a clue who to talk to about this. Enjolras is still at the front of his mind, but he’s still reluctant to say anything until he’s sure. But he knows he probably won’t be sure until he’s spoken to some people about it.

Before he has a chance to think, he’s grabbing his phone.

“Ferre?” Jehan says as they answer.

“Yeah, hi.” He’s out of breath from panic already, but he’s going to tell someone.

“Are you… okay?”

“I wanna tell you something,” Ferre says quickly, looking at the floor.

“Okay.”

“I think I might be non-binary.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Ferre, that’s…” Jehan huffs what sounds like a laugh down the phone. “That’s great!” they pause. “Is it because of what I said about the moths?”

Ferre finds himself laughing at the absolute absurdity of this situation.

“You know, that did kind of get the ball rolling.”

“What really did it for you?”

“Well, I kind of decided a bit of experimentation wouldn’t hurt,” he says, before launching into an in-depth recount of his afternoon.

“Ferre, that’s so cool!” Jehan laughs. “Also, suspenders with a skirt? Absolute fashion legend.”

Ferre laughs.

“I just…” he sighs. “What if I’m just discovering how I express my gender? And I’m actually cis?”

“Then you’re cis,” Jehan says. “It’s okay to be cis, Ferre. I know we all joke about it, but if that’s who you are then that’s okay.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What is it?”

“I think I’m just a little scared,” Ferre admits. “Gender is so confusing and I never really wanted to think about it before.” He flops back on to his bed. “You all have things figured out, and I can barely piece anything together.”

“You think we have it all figured out?” Jehan laughs. “You have no idea, Ferre. I knew I wasn’t a girl off the bat, but that doesn’t mean I have a clue about gender.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Ferre can almost see that comforting, gentle smile of theirs that he loves so much. “The gender spectrum is so confusing. No one can tell you what you’re feeling. It’s not as simple as looking at another guy and thinking, “hey, he’s hot”. Everyone feels this shit differently.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“How about we try some different pronouns?” Jehan asks. “That might help.”

“Like they and them?”

“Sure.”

“Well, I’ve not really… told anyone else yet.”

“That’s okay,” Jehan says. “We can practice now. Let me put a sentence together, yeah?” they clear their throat. “Today I met this person called Combeferre. They were really smart and funny. I really liked their shirt. I hope they have a good day.” Jehan pauses. “How does that feel?”

“Honestly? Like you’re talking about someone else.”

“Sometimes it can feel like that when you’re not used to it,” Jehan says. “But if you’re not so keen on they/them pronouns, that’s okay. You can still be non-binary if you use he/him, or even she/her.”

“See,” Ferre says, frowning. “I know pronouns and gender aren’t the same, and I know it’s valid for them to not match up with society’s perception of gender. But for me, I’d… feel like a fake.”

“Mhm. Been there.”

“Damn, I never thought this would come with so much imposter syndrome shit,” Ferre laughs.

“How about you tell some more people at school tomorrow?” Jehan suggests. “Enjolras, Courf. You’d get to hear your pronouns a little more in action.”

“Maybe,” Ferre says. Butterflies are settling in his stomach as he says his thanks and good night to Jehan.

When Ferre gets to school the next day, there’s already a few people round their usual table. Joly and Bossuet are cuddled practically on to one seat, Enjolras and Marius are having some heated discussion. There’s an empty space next to Courf, and he pats it when he sees Combeferre come in.

“Hey, so.” Ferre says loudly, catching people’s attention. “I’m, uh. Trying something out. Could you guys maybe use they/them pronouns for me?”

Courf’s arms are immediately round Ferre’s waist and the air is squeezed right out of them. _Them_ , Ferre thinks. They’re not sure if it fits.

The day carries on like normal, and Ferre doesn’t really have much of a chance to think about things between classes, until their lunch break.

“So, Enjolras says to Courf. “Next week is Ace Awareness Week, right? We should get the GSA to do something.”

“I can make a presentation,” Courf offers. “We can put Ferre on research.” He bumps his shoulder into Ferre’s side. “No one does it quite like them.”

Them. Them them them. Ferre can’t really describe the feeling in their chest at that moment, beyond a string of exclamation marks. They didn’t think being talked about could ever make them feel so happy. Suddenly, it’s like something slots into place.

“You good with that, Ferre?” Courf asks.

“I’m non-binary,” they blurt out. There’s a hand in their hair then, and they turn around to see Jehan. They grin at each other for what feels like forever before Jehan speaks.

“I’m proud of you, buddy.” Ferre beams as Jehan leans down to press a kiss to their forehead, ruffling their hair for good measure. And though they have a long way to go to figure this thing out, they’re proud of themself, too.


End file.
